Hello! Hope everyone is doing well on this beautiful morning/afternoon/evening as you read! Today I have been pondering where I have come from, or what the Lord has brought me through in my past. I wanted to share something that is important to me, and it is about my identity. God is beautiful; we have a story together! Jesus has been my best friend through every heartbreaking situation. Holy Spirit, the most brilliant conscious that lives inside me, never left. Instead, He guided my heart into the truth about my identity. In what I share with you, I hope you find encouragement and freedom in the following words.
I was 11 years old when I looked at pornography. I didn’t completely understand porn, or that was even a real thing. I felt pressure fall on my head while something invaded my spirit that had no right to be there. I felt a weakness inside me that I wasn’t aware of at the time. I sat in front of the computer while image after image went by. It was filling something in me that I didn’t know was there.
I remember my fingers were shaking as sweat ran down my face while darkness clouded my heart. Yes, Satan lied to me. He deceived me into questioning my sexuality and identity! I was looking at gay pornography that day because of a lie told to me in that small room in my heart that I was too weak, I wasn’t good enough. That lie said I would never be strong enough; no one would ever like me. Demons told me Jesus would leave forever, and I was not good enough for Him.
See, I had wonderful spirit-filled parents! No one touched me pervertedly. I had a healthy relationship with my dad…I had everything, but it all began with a lie.
Now, I cannot go into the full story because that would take forever, but I struggled. I felt alone at times; I felt confused more than I desired. I battled with homosexuality for 12 years! I fought with the demons that said I was gay or that God created me to be gay. I remember asking the Lord how He felt about me. He spoke to me so peacefully, “Micah, I did not create you to be straight or gay; I created you to be a Son of God. You are so much more than what you think you are.” His calming words rushed into those secret rooms in my heart. Surprisingly, He told me that when I was 14 years old, and the battle did not instantly stop. I had to hold on to the truth with my dear life because it was going to get wild.
Yes, I still saw heaven. I was still talking to angels, the saints of God and even standing before the throne during these difficult times. I had a wonderful supporting family to help guide me into truth…not the lie. They never called me gay in their heart. They called me by my name! Powerful! They called me into the truth God spoke over my life. Those long years of walking with Jesus, was so personal because He had to be the one to take me through it all.
There was a day when I was engaging with pornography unashamedly! I felt no sorrow for this at all; I wanted to look at men sexually. At that very moment, the Lord Jesus walked right into my room.
Jesus caught me!
There was no turning back now. What was Jesus going to do to me? I closed my computer waiting for His response to me. He just looked into my eyes reading every part of me! Then Jesus picked me up and held me close! His words were this, “My son, I am not angry with you. I only see my righteousness in you. Tell me, what do you need? Let me help you, Micah.” His voice began to shake with emotion, “I know what you are feeling…please let me help you.” I began to weep hysterically as His presence went into me. His sweet voice encouraged me, “If you died still engaging with this lie and sin, that I so generously took away from you on the cross, I would still love you with all my affection! You will always be my first choice, son.”
Jesus stepped back and left.
My world shook; I heard the demons screaming around me in my mind. Jesus, I do not know you. I cried out; I do not know you! What is this intense love that destroyed every wall I have built?
You would think, after an encounter like that, the feelings for homosexuality left, but it did not. I still felt the emotions, thought the thoughts, and even looked at pornography again, but I started to understand my identity more because I saw who Jesus is!
Something did change! I was seeing who I was in Him. His love gave me the strength to say no little by little every day! Do You know why? I did not see myself as gay or straight! I was seeing me in the eyes of Jesus! Now, this is not an excuse to say that Jesus did accept my struggle with sin. No! I am loved so much that He speaks the truth. I am royal; He loves me, I am valuable, His love is everlasting. His truth is what gave me the strength to resist the lies of the devil! His truth gave me the power to put aside my flesh and walk with Him.
Thus, Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, and I began our journey towards wholeness! We walked together, we cried together, and laughed much! When I failed, Jesus was right there in the dirt with me. My Father was always ready to hug me whenever I needed, and Holy Spirit wouldn’t let me get away with any lie! He is the master of speaking truth.
So yes, I walked this road, I know the demons, I know the lies told to you. But I am here to encourage you that I am a free man of God! I am so much better than “straight” I am a Son of God! I am healed, free, and loved powerfully! Jesus has taken away my darkness; my sin and carried it for me! I live in His righteousness! I am here to tell you; homosexuality does not have to be your identity, God has more for you!